he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
