3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I wish I could teleport
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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