Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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