I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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