Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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