what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So many bounce houses so little time
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
