i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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