seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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