Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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