my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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