What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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