i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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