allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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