I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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