Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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