Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
