I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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