420 ftw
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
