i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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