It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
