Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
