i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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