I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
