3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
