I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
why do cheetos always look like penises
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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