i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
