There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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