I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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