Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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