Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
