I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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