so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
