last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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