my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
