Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
