At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Randomize
