operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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