i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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