If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
