They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
