you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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