Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
