I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
