I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
