I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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