i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
