I think I died a long time ago.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
