i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
