Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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