you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
