hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
