Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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